#breakthestigma
I know most people follow this work either because they know me personally, have discovered my work through a friend or through the mysterious magic of social media & search engine algorithms. I share my work here and just a smidge about my personal life and I intend to keep it that way for the time being. I do, however, feel it’s important to be honest and upfront about something that affects every aspect of my life, including my work. My mental health.
*Just a quick note that later in this post I will briefly mention my experience with suicidal ideation, so please take care if you decide to proceed with reading. Also, if you’re still reading, I made absolutely zero attempts at proofreading so I appreciate your grace as I wrote - as I often do - stream of consciousness with little regard to rules of grammar or how things should normally be done.
Many mental health advocates often take to their platforms during the month of May - Mental Health Awareness Month - to talk about mental health, their experiences or the experiences of the ones they love. I’ve hesitated and for a lot of reasons. It’s not because I don’t care, but because Mental Health Awareness is something is so deep, personal and real for me. For most of my life, my Mental Health has been a very quiet, personal struggle.
I bring it up now, as May is winding down and I’ve had time to reflect on where I am in this season of life, what I’m continuing to learn and what I continue to see as I scroll, read, watch and listen to what’s happening in our culture. I’m not an expert, but I am a patient of mental health so I can only speak from my experience and the professionals I’ve allowed to speak into my journey. As such this is something I would like to speak into, over time, as my small platform in this sphere of interior design begins to mature. I believe there’s also tremendous value in sharing perspective I continue to try and understand my place and how I can offer an extended hand to people who are trying to figure these things out for themself or someone they love.
My attempt in writing this is simply to do just what Mental Health Awareness Month intends: bring awareness. To be another person that raises their hand to say “I know what it’s like”. But, mostly, I write in hopes that someone can feel seen, however briefly, through reading about my experience and maybe feel a little less alone. For the sake of being a little less intense than I tend to be on this subject and to keep things brief, I’ll spare more details for now.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had a personality disposition that some would call melancholy with a fair degree of emotional intensity. I’ve never been great at conventional small talk and most conversations end up circling around what I would consider and label (now in this stage of life) “life’s more important things”. My threshold for more cocktail party conversation is pretty low. This is by no means a criticism of anyone who thrives in those kinds of environments. I’m often envious of people with this ability because they tend to have broader social connections while mine… not so much.
This lends itself to more of a creative lifestyle that allows me to be expressive in different forms of imaginative work. I’ve always had a bustling and active, but often frenetic, complex and turbulent inner world. Those conditions have set the stage for a more anxious disposition and a disorder called dysthymia or recently called persistent depressive disorder. I was only diagnosed (which… man that feels like a strong word, but it’s actually what happened) when I was in my 30’s but through therapy discovered it’s something I’ve likely always had. I’ve had to develop ways of coping and living in a world that is often unkind to people with persistent depression.
Having persistent depressive disorder has made me more susceptible to bouts of major depression which can often lead to even more anxiety, social isolation, extreme fatigue, feelings of hopelessness and, at many points throughout my life, suicidal ideation. As I’ve learned more about depression, how that works with the chemistry of my body and the psychology of my brain, I’ve collected some tools along the way that have proved to be incredibly helpful in navigating such a complex, never-straightforward and mostly misunderstood journey. I constantly find myself to be a student of my mental health and I’ve developed a sensitivity to other people who face a similar struggle.
The best way I’ve learned to describe it is in terms of the weather and seasons. It just so happens that the intensity of my depression can mimic the seasons. There are days where the sky is clear, I can see the sun and feel a gentle breeze in the air. Still there are others where it’s hard to see the sun through the density of the clouds, let alone have the energy to look up to even try and find it. This may read dramatic and hard to understand for some, and that’s okay. It’s not your journey, it’s mine. There also might be someone you know who doesn’t have the words to describe how they’re really feeling. They may be terrified to be honest about their inner world because of all the stigma and misunderstanding that surrounds such personal things. People who experience depression and anxiety aren’t always represented well in movies, social media or even our social circles so it’s often the case that those who struggle so deeply go unseen, unheard and unnoticed.
Ah gosh… so, so, soooo many thoughts. I woke up this morning prepared for a photoshoot, a 3-hour consultation and coffee with a friend and ended up writing this. It’s not what I intended to do with my morning but it is where I am. And while I have anyones attention I just want to offer the hope of someone who experiences depression and didn’t even know what it was. Hope that some of life’s most beautiful and meaningful moments have a mix of beauty and terror. Although depression is difficult, confusing, exhausting and, for some of us, lasts a lifetime, it doesn’t have to mean that the color and vibrancy of life can never be yours. It may mean that you’ll experience a different relationship with your inner and outer world than most. You’ll have rich and captivating stories to tell and other fascinatingly brilliant and complex people to engage with in meaningful ways as you age. You can have depression and still have a beautiful life, you just need the right tools. Just keep going.
